Valentine’s Day for the Socially Excluded…

Wonkie thought it would be entertaining to provide the latest news this week in the context of the most important day of the year. Of course, if you’re thinking Wonkie is referring to the South African 2013 State of the Nation address that President Zuma will be delivering today, you’d be sadly mistaken. Political promises may come and go but Valentine’s Day is forever.

Given that Valentine’s Day is typically discriminatory against many, and that Wonkie strives to be socially inclusive, today’s Valentine’s post will look at some unusual ways to celebrate the day. So whether you’re a psychopath with limited social skills, the Pope, an animal rights activist, or violently opposed to the National Rifle Association in America, read on to learn how you too can take glee in twee.

1. For those that have limited EQ, or are deranged psychopaths, expressing emotions may be quite challenging… particularly on 14th February. For you, Wonkie’s think tank has come up with the perfect solution that’s both practical and quite easily spun as being romantic. What better way to express the till death do us part sentiment than pre-purchasing side by side “his and hers” graves. You will no doubt get bonus points for originality.

2. If you’re single and hopelessly romantic, this year would be a good year to go to the nearest hospital and put your name down as an organ donor for some heart transplant patient in the future. Given the high demand for hearts, you will surely be able to specify the gender, hair colour and body type of who you will be giving your heart to… needless to say he/ she will literally not be able to live without you… now how romantic is that?

3. If you have a nasty streak that prevents you from properly celebrating Valentine’s day, why not go out and befriend a cute divorce lawyer. Then get 250 postcards, write “Mmmmm… Thanks for the most amazing time last weekend honey – again soon?” and drop them off together in the richest suburb you can find.

4. If you’re an anti-establishment animal rights activist, fight the system and adopt a pet from your nearest shelter as a Valentine’s gift that you’ll never stop loving for yourself. In the interests of animal welfare, let it be said that Wonkie is in no way encouraging any dubious activity with adopted sheep for our Australian readers.

5. If you’re a save-the-earth type that wouldn’t normally give Valentine’s Day a second glance, why not take the opportunity to make a real difference this year. Start a campaign for cruelty against red roses. You could gather a team, picket outside the flower market, and poke people that are buying roses with sharp thorns in solidarity with our flowery brothers and sisters.

6. If you’re violently fighting for gun control in the US, or perhaps you’re disturbed that paralympic medalist Oscar Pistorius allegedly shot his girlfriend in the head this morning, then today might be a good day to arm yourself with a (toy) crossbow and shoot everyone buying guns or working at the NRA with (Cupid’s love) arrow. Needless to say you should be chanting “Make love, not war” while doing so. Past experience has suggested that you wear a flak jacket for your own safety.

7. For those of you who feel excluded simply because you’re single, why not sign up to an internet dating site with an anonymous profile and send as many people as you can a (non-creepy!) little secret admirer message as a random act of kindness. It can be somewhat of an irritating time of year if you’re alone and what nicer way to celebrate the spirit of the day than to bring a smile to someone else’s face!

On a more serious note, Wonkie wishes the Pope a happy retirement and all the very best to him for the years ahead, and to you on this Happy Valentine’s Day. Have fun!

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If you’re debating between a romantic hot air balloon ride, or a day at the spa for your loved one, then why not up your game and visit this new online lottery portal right now or this excellent page instead – after all, who needs to debate about sending flowers when you have your own island!

If you’re based in India, you’re probably thankful that Shiv Sena’s Bal Thakaray passed on last year, after the commotion his political party caused about Valentines Day in India a few years back. Why not click here to keep entertained instead if you’re still afraid of going out with a single girl tonight on the streets of Mumbai!

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Related articles on Valentine’s Day and the Pope:

1. Pope news
2. Catholic family planning
3. Jacob Zuma – State of the Nation’s Valentine

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