2015 New Years Resolutions

Have you made your 2015 New Year Resolutions? Be sure check out Wonkie's 2015 Horoscope to see what's in store for you!

Wonkie’s 2015 World News Horoscope!

2015 is finally here and Moonbeam Williams has returned from her 3 year sabbatical raising wild yaks in the Himalayas. After this spiritually enlightening experience, Moonbeam has decided to provide her infamously accurate astrological predictions for the whole world once more. Because Wonkie knows that most people don’t care about the whole world, there are some deep and meaningful predictions for you personally too.

Aries cartoonAries (Mar 21 – Apr 21) – With, what some may argue, is a touch of over-confidence, you believe it is your destiny to single-handedly rescue the global economy. To that end, you spend hours and hours developing an ambitious fiscal program which you pitch at your local pub. Following an overwhelming response and many beers, you bombard the twitter accounts of Obama, Dalai Lama and Jacob Zuma explaining the definitive links between the rising dollar, global spirituality and the strikes in the mining sector. Several hundred consecutive tweets later you will find yourself on every terrorist watchlist known to man, but that doesn’t matter as you believe it’s a price one must pay if one is to earn a Nobel Prize in Economics.

Taurus cartoonTaurus (Apr 21 – May 21) – You decide 2015 is the year in which your unbounded pragmatism is going to make you millions. After careful planning over the first 10 months of the year, and having witnessed the miserable failure of Google Glass, you develop and launch a wearable identity app. The practical convenience of your device is unmatched and within months people are using it in place of passports, bank cards and even keys for their cars. Not only that, the device is also available in a number of colours and makes for a fashion accessory replacing the one previously known as a watch. Everything goes spendidly until it is discovered by Apple that you use 5 year old Iranian children in your factories. The still pervasive anti-Muslim sentiment around the world will unfortunately destroy your business.

Gemini cartoonGemini (May 21 – Jun 22) – Convinced that the ISIS crisis can be resolved by some quick-witted, diplomatic smooth talk you manage to secure a meeting with President Obama and his joint chiefs. Your evil twin’s contacts in the Syrian underground will prove most useful in facilitating this. You will manage to convince Obama, and later the leaders of ISIS that it is in their best interests to let you build an enormous brothel in the Middle East, one that you affectionately call Habibi Love, to help mend relations between the various fighting factions in the region. All goes well, and you amass huge amounts of wealth until the SPCC (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Camels) files charges against you at the ICC.

Cancer cartoonCancer (Jun 22 – July 23) – After finally finding a drug that curbs your emotional outbursts without side-effects, you can barely shed a bucket once you hear that the US has mended relations with the likes of Venezuela and Cuba. Inspired by the thought of a united world, you take up quilt-making as hobby and soon lead a global movement in the art form. The economic implications of the movement are massive as much employment is created: everyone from previous employees of Malaysian Airlines and poor people in Russia start farming for raw materials for your quilts. Sadly, the movement will be shut down by the United Nations for contributing excessively to global warming.

Leo cartoonLeo (Jul 23 – Aug 24) – After reading the novel Kineosho Learns to Walk, you are convinced that as a lion, this is your time to lead your tribe, not only politically, but also spiritually. To that end, you start what some might call a cult, but you call an all-embracing religion filled with love and harmony worshipping the one true king, you. This inadvertently starts an ugly turf war with the Pope, Dalai Lama and Ali Khameni, the Supreme Leader in Iran.

Virgo cartoonVirgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23) – Inspired by Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, you decide to pack your bags and move to Varanasi to help with the massive Clean India campaign. As a clean-freak of note, you soon motivate everyone around you to at least start using hand-sanitiser after making plonkies out in the open. Your subsequent drive to build closed toilets in India earns you many humanitarian awards but you make real money after cashing in your shares in the hand sanitiser companies.

Libra cartoonLibra (Sep 23 – Oct 23) – One day, as you’re daydreaming at work this year, you will find yourself wondering what it would be like to be as decisive as the falling matric pass rate in South Africa or the rising interest rates everywhere in the world. Deciding that you could never be that decisive you decide to embrace your indecisiveness and blog about it instead. To your surprise, you quickly gain hundreds of thousands of followers around the world and your blog becomes the go-to place for people who can’t decide what to do. Everything goes awry, however, when you have to decide whether you want to join a turf war involving the Pope, Dalai Lama, Ali Khameni and some strange Lion King cult that evolved over the course of the year.

Scorpio cartoonScorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 23) – One night, as you’re dismembering a mosquito that tried to bite you, it will dawn on you that people all over the world willingly trade privacy for security. Sensing that your calling is near, you will ponder this trade-off and arrive at the inevitable conclusion: that it is your destiny to start Stakeout Takeout – a high-end national surveillance company fronted by an international chain of pizza parlours. Your dream is to provide useful government intelligence on private citizens whilst delivering the tastiest pepperoni pizza.

sagittarius cartoonSagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – Your career takes an enormous boost this year as your friendly personality is hired by SANRAL to counsel the hoards of unhappy, ignored e-toll contact centre staff in South Africa. Following a massive drop in the suicide rate there, you will be hired by the ANC to appease the masses about Nkandla. As per your modus operandi, you throw a lavish party with lots of sushi for Jacob Zuma’s fourth, fifth, sixth next marriage later this year. Unfortunately due to an unforecasted heat wave and persistent Eskom blackouts in 2015, the sushi goes off and many senior South African politicians suffer from acute food poisoning. Fortunately, most South Africans are so ecstatic with this outcome that you meet all your targets and get a huge bonus.

Capricorn cartoonCapricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 21) – One of the safest predictions this year, and one that even Moonbeam will admit does not need her psychic powers to suggest, is that Russians will have a tough year. Besides a sliding oil price, the sky-rocketing interest rates to defend their currency and financial sanctions in response to Ukraine are sure to put the nails in the Russian coffin. Being true to your nature as a Capricorn, you see through the horrific tragedy and eyeball the fantastic material gain to be had. You will start a small trading company based out of Kazakhstan and make a fortune selling spreads on raw materials for quilts and on what Putin is going to do next to ruin the country even more.

Aquarius cartoonAquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 20) – Being the unabated visionary that you are, you decide to move your focus in 2015 to interstellar exploration. After spending many months carefully studying the footage of Curiosity, the little vehicle trundling across a crater on Mars, you will become convinced that the CIA are hiding the fact that intelligent life exists on the planet. You approach Richard Branson and Pakistan with your detailed report but both remain unconvinced so you decide to build your own rocket using antiquated Eskom equipment and a nuclear reactor you sourced for a bargain on eBay. Unfortunately, you don’t succeed in launching the rocket to Mars but on the upside, Earth will now have a much-needed new species of glow-in-the-dark garden snails with four heads.

Pisces cartoonPisces (Feb 20 – Mar 21) – In 2015, it appears your dreams of World Peace and harmony move one step closer to be realised. When your petition to save the prawns gets misdirected by the recovering South African postal service and lands up at the United Nations, it triggers a chain of events that results in the West finally being able to reach a deal on nuclear weapons with both Iran and North Korea. Kim Jong-un will later be quoted in history books as saying: “Finally, the United State they understand how important the Prawn is to me, I am so touched. We have finally found common ground and we can live in peace without nuclear weapons. Happy happy new year.”

Wonkie and Moonbeam Williams wish you a very happy 2015 and hope that you have had a great start to the year! Wonkie knows it has been scarce over the last year and wishfully thinks it might be a bit more regular with posts this year – please feel free to suggest what you’d like to see on the site and how best to take it forward!

Share YOUR OPINION on the Wonkie 2015 horoscope and Moonbeam’s predictions.

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Kineosho Pre-Launch image

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If all you need is a few billion rands to get help you along with your 2015 New Year resolutions, then perhaps now is the perfect time for you to buy lottery tickets online – if you’re lucky and win a fortune of any size, then be sure not to forget Wonkie in your will.

For those of you who have already resigned yourself to not fulfilling your 2015 wishlist, why not entertain yourself with some online casino games rather than wallowing at your complete lack of self-discipline in not being able to hold out for your goals for even a single week. Try your hand at any of the many online casino Australia options or check out Wonkie’s newly updated online casino South Africa directory.

South Africa Online logo

Indian-based Wonkie readers should be sure to keep to their tradition of trying their hand at games of chance on New Years day. So whether you’re in Mumbai or New Delhi, Tamil Nadu or Bengal, visit this excellent online casino in India website or this newly launched Online Lottery India portal instead! If you prefer a non-gambling related type of entertainment, then please check out Wonkie’s suggested sites for alternatives.

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Related Wonkie articles on New Year:

  1. African Dictator New Years Resolutions
  2. 2012 World News Horoscope

Share YOUR OPINION on the Wonkie 2015 horoscope and Moonbeam’s predictions.

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Comments

  1. Clivealex says:

    Welcome back Wonkie. I was beginning to think that the Thought Police had finally got you.
    Take a lesson from JZ’s motto “Never predict the future, because the past will always creep up and bite you in the arse”

  2. OutofAfrica says:

    Happy New Year Wonkie – you were missed.
    The winds of change are blowing with greater intensity, not only in ZA but across the globe; I reckon it is going to be a horrorscope for many.

  3. Hi Moonbeam, I hope you are more reliable than Wonkie and not do a disappearing act also with a name like yours maybe you are cuter.

  4. Welcome back Wonkie, you were missed, almost as much as Mzu, Chepha and Corny. We have lots to say about Malema and his pals also about SONA.

  5. John Puffey says:

    It’s good to see Wonkie back with all their hilarious grace. I really wish to see more posts and wonderful messages from you guys.

  6. OutofAfrica says:

    Wonkie, it is now October and we last heard from you in January! Is there anything the matter? Perhaps all the horror that has happened so far this year has not given much cause to joke about.

  7. I hope that this signals that wonkie is back on the horse. The greatest horror of 2015 is the disappearance of wonkie. We need you, the nation needs you.

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