While the rest of the world continued gasping in horror at tasteless Oscar Pistorius jokes, Wonkie went deep undercover to discover the Whole Truth behind the dodgy meat scandals around the world. After a week of in-depth investigation costing billions of Zimbabwe dollars, Wonkie is finally confident to present its exclusive findings in this breaking news expose.
Wonkie’s team first noticed something fishy about the meat scandal when Swedish ready-to-assemble furniture retailer IKEA was reported to be distributing horse meat through its meatballs. If consumers can’t trust meatballs coming from a reputable cheap furniture company, Wonkie realised that something deeply underhanded was going on… something way beyond anything an ordinary human could think up.
When the IKEA meatballs were traced back to their slaughterhouse supplier in Poland, Wonkie’s hunch was all but verified. A few interrogations in a barn just outside of Warsaw, revealed the dark, Whole Truth. Human consumers had inadvertently stumbled onto the workings of the international Animal Mafia… the infamous Cowsa Nostra.
Wonkie followed the long trail back to a moose in an East-African zoo who, on condition of anonymity, spilt the proverbial GMO beans. The moose had been incarcerated by the ASPCH (Animal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans) for its role in engineering the violence in the 2007 Kenyan elections. There, Wonkie learnt about the international turf wars between the cows, pigs, tuna and donkeys which have spanned centuries. It turns out humans have been eating mislabelled food for decades now.
The Cowsa Nostra was using abattoirs as a means to dispose of anything from horse snitches and unfaithful aardvarks to peeping-tom giraffes.
“Trust me, you’re lucky you’ve only tested for donkey meat and water buffalo DNA in that boerewors you eat in South Africa,” said the moose. “I think you’d all go instantly vegan if you knew what else was in there…”
Wonkie asked the moose about the repercussions of the current findings: “So given this expose, how will things change? Will the Cowsa Nostra find a new way to dispose of animals that they’ve taken care of?”
“Ha!” replied the moose. “We have utmost faith that humans will simply forget the issue after a few weeks of sensationalist publicity.”
“And… if they don’t?” asked Wonkie.
“Well, we had already thought of that contingency years ago – we’ve built our own BBBEE certified DNA testing facilities that will “win” any government consumer protection body tender,” said the moose smugly. “I doubt it would come to that though – it’s like George Bush, Julius Malema or any other dodgy politician, everyone gets their knickers in a twist when they choke on a pretzel, but after a few weeks it never matters. Humans are a generally a boring bunch with convenient conviction – all talk and no action. They whine incessantly but when it comes time to take action, they rarely have the Swedish meatballs to do anything…”
In other news, South Africa stayed on top of its national goal of having at least one violent atrocity being reported internationally each week. The latest award goes to the the local police who publicly dragged a man to death, having tied him behind a police van. When Wonkie asked the moose to comment, he replied: “It’s a bit of a primitive technique, but hey – we all can’t be animals right?”
Wonkie looks forward to reading your opinions on the mislabelled meat saga. Are you OK with eating horse meat and donkey? How about giraffe, or water buffalo? Especially let Wonkie know if you’re whining about your meatballs and are actually going to do something about it!
If the thought of gobbling down a yummy donkey steak is quite off-putting, perhaps now would be a good time to either go vegetarian or click here to buy lotto tickets online and hope to win enough to build your own organic animal farm.
Wonkie’s investigation into the Cowsa Nostra revealed no links between the underground organisation and any of the institutions listed in the comprehensive Wonkie online casino South Africa directory. Readers wanting to explore more international options, can visit this excellent page or this Indian gambling website instead. Just remember though, what happens to donkeys that don’t know when to stop gambling!
Related Wonkie articles involving donkeys and other animals:
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“After a week of in-depth investigation costing billions of Zimbabwe dollars, …” – just how many cents is that billions of Zimbabwe dollars these days?
Giraffe meat – ask the guys in Potchefstroom – they are the ones who used to have an annual giraffe spit-braai – seriously, a whole giraffe on a spit!!!
I’ll never buy IKEA furniture again – who knows WHAT kind of wood chips go into it?!?!? Do they do wood dna?
the problem is that they didn’t communicate with us that they have changed the labelling of the stuff, but if people will taste the real Girraffe meat! more are going to die in prisons coz it’s very delicious and once tasted No looking back.
let’s just say it was a mistake for a few package not the whole stock.
Let all honest men stand up! nobody moved!!!
It really cannot get much worse. We have probably been eating donkey and horse meat for a long time. It should be noted the the best beef, lamb and pork is exported so there is not much left for local consumption hence the substitute meat products. I personally have not been able to tell the difference. Most red meat bought from either butchers or super markets is so tuff that the shoe industry should consider using it for the shoe soles if the have not done so already.
Zimbabwe’s currency was such a joke (and they could not afford the ink or paper to keep printing notes) that they adopted the US dollar as currency.
How long before we go the same way?
If wound dressing bandages in Limpopo can be inflated from R259 per 50 rolls to R259 for a single roll for a non-tendered contract and if the Free State government can spend R140 million on a web site that professional web site builders say should have cost about R2800, what exactly is the value of the Rand going to be in a years time?
@ ratava – I’m obviously too short for you to have noticed the difference when I stood up!
Ah well! can’t say I blame you – the chair WAS a little high anyway!
In Namibia, donkey meat is a number one choice of the Damara and nama groups
Well Wonkie, I am not concerned anymore about what we eat, from what has transpired so far, we could have all been dead if it was dangerous.
We have already eaten too much. and again from my days as a headboy from the deep rural village of limpopo, we were given only Pap for lunch, number two we would make a plan at in the bushes by hunting down animals, we ate almost all bush animals, I am still leaving , that was about 30 years back.
So, who cares what we eat.
The best Italian Salami is made from only Donkey meat. Nobody has ever said no to that. Ma can I have a Salami sandwich, Pleeeaaassse.
You guys have all missed the bloody point, which is that we are being cheated by the meat suppliers into paying a high price for beef, for which they have subsitiuted cheap shit!!
There is nothing wrong in eating either a donkey or a horse. As a Lesotho man, I grew up eating both and still continue to enjoy them. Every nation has its own food, and own taboo. I have travelled and seen a number of nations eating what we believed in our culture was not good. Those of you who have eaten and enjoyed, continue.
@ ratava – whilst agreeing wholeheartedly with the sentiment, I must object to the last word – it IS meat and NOT shit – otherwise we would all have been in hospital with Q.E.II
On the other hand, if we are being fed “mixed” meat and have not specially noticed any difference, the least the suppliers can do is tell the truth and charge a more appropriate price. Just, please, keep the remains of poached elephants and rhinos out of the mix. After all, we don’t want to cause another tsunami in Thailand.
How are you going to know what you eat when you go to a restaurant. Cattle, giraffe or shark. When it is cooked properly how will you tell the difference. In other words it is possible that you have already eat donkey or giraffe. I myself will from now on eat chicken until I find out that it is actually hadeda. Maybe it is the vegans who are trying to get us all to stop eating meat. If they give as anything other than beef, lamb, chicken or ostrich, we might stop eating meat.
Aside from not being properly labelled I don’t know what all the hoo-ha is about.
When you eat 100% beef burgers, etc they contain 100% beef: including beef arseholes, eyelids, udders, nostrils, foreskins, ears etc etc is that OK ?
What about eating pork ? Pigs eat anything, including their own shit and each other.
Donkey, Buffalo …. what, get real !
Who ever chooses to eat donkey and enjoy it, please let us give him/her a chance to do so. But is wrong to give it to somebody and call it beef. let people know exactly what you have and give them chance to decide for themselves.
Hoorah, I’m a vegetarian and don’t have to bother about all the stink.
Mother tells her kids, ‘now eat up all your meat and you will be as strong as an ox’ what the silly cow forgot to tell them “an ox eats only grass!”
The 5 biggest, strongest animals, Giraffe, buffalo, elephant, rhino and kudu eat only grass and vegetation. Now we know why man is weak, thoughtless, unwell, and obese. Look thru history, the most intelligent, philanthropic, talented; Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Leonarda da Vinci et al were/are all vegatarians.
@ avatrix ….. Yeh, and they are all dead.
@ avatrix – hmm – and the animals who can think out strategies and plan a combined maneuver all eat the strongest animals in your list – except possibly the rhino – but its skin is even tougher than leather and the meat is sooooo far down under it! Even crocodiles can out-think a herd of wildebees.
@avatrix – you and your fellow vegetarians still need protein, otherwise you also become weak, unwell etc. It is not protein that makes all those obese people what they are. Herbivores are designed to be food for carnivores. Just saying………
Manthata! Are you still leaving? and so far its taken you 30 years to do so? Making a decision can be hard! I have had upcountry visitors who have the same problem as you, but they did not take 30 years, Eish!!
Will somebody please tell that idiot malema who is back on enews when he tries to again whip up racial hatred by shouting to the crown of sheep “Where are all the Whites to welcome Semenya home?” The simple answer is that the Whites were all at work!! What a twazz!!
The vegetarians are sitting smug that their stuff is not labelled as donkey. But have any of you seen what happens to vegetables. CFirstly thy are sprayed with pesticides, then they are fumigated for transport and storage and they are invariably GM. Maybe we should start eating roadkill, there are at least 3 roadkill restaurants in Los Angeles, maybe someone can open one here. Who has not eaten game they have run over. Advantages of the roadkill diet, apart from its low cost, are that the animals that roadkill scavengers eat are naturally high in vitamins and proteins with lean meat and little saturated fat, and generally free of additives and drugs. Ther is a book of some fine roadkill crepes called “We are having what for dinner””
Keep your donkeys, etc lets start eating some real food.
Hell, I made sum speling mustakes in that las t coment. Pleese forgive me.
In the midst of all this meat “mish-mash” and the “pollution” of our supermarket butchery shelves with “less than desirable” meat being mixed with the infinitely more “acceptable” variety, I find it hard to believe that, this cartoon and commentary, having been in the public domain for +/- 2½ days, no-one has yet commented on “Don Donkey’s” allusion to the SAPS’s method of removing the “less than desirable” elements of South African society. Why use this oh! so public waste of (now even more) expensive petrol or diesel when a bullet is cheaper!?!?! We didn’t see them wasting fuel at Marikana – they just sprayed hundreds of bullets.
Sometimes I think that we are living on George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’ for it does appear, at times, that the “pigs” have taken over.
Corny is showing off that he is at least literate and has read Animal Farm even though it is a kids story, I want to know has he read Big Ears and Noddy come out.
While we are on the subject of meat contamination, what about vegetable contamination by GM methods. Next time you are munching your crispies or corn flakes just think of the octopus or goat genes therein
@ Garth – sorry, but I’m not into that kind of alternative “literature”.
Btw – octopi and goats don’t wear jeans – at least not in standard literature!
And remember where corn flakes come from – they come from the *ss-end of my name !!!
Oh! – of course they come from the front end too!!!
Yes Garth, GM is a real pandora’s box – how many realise bread can be bad for them? http://www.greatamericanfoodfight.com/2012/09/wheat-a-perfect-poison. On the other hand, there is also some good i.e. insulin made from bacteria instead of beef pancreas. This is the Brave New World and Animal Farm all mixed together!
The problem with road-kill is that no inspector checked for internal parasites, but then one wonders if the donkey meat was checked?? Honest labelling is what is called for. But it seems ‘honest’ is now a universal misnomer.
One of my favorite foods is curried mince and peas served with a chapati. A restaurant near where we live has this item on the menu and it is superb. But the lamb’s mince is maybe mutton mixed with donkey, the peas are GM using the genes from the gonads of an octopus and the nostrils of a squirrel and the chapati is made from GM flour. Is nothing sacred anymore.
Out of Africa’ you have been too long out of Africa, The so called i9nspectors are cadre deployment by the local politicians, and they can only inspect the meat on the hook at the abbatoir, they do not inspect your sausages, dry wors, polony or the mince. They do not look for parasites they are parasites. what they do is grade the meat according to its fat levels and age
And not forgetting the size of the bribe!
@ Garth – sounds great! you should invite me to sample this fare sometime.
In the past, at one of the old Southern Sun Hotels, I had “Mongolian stir-fry” and it contained various bits of seafood, including baby octopus – whole baby octopus – so I have no qualms about eating the genes from the gonads of an octopus as I have eaten the complete gonads several times. (Btw – don’t ask me about the origin of octopus (baby or otherwise) in Mongolia – I know the country is land-locked and has no sea-shore. I suppose the operators of the Southern Sun chain’s kitchens were somewhat less knowledgeable.)
Isn’t it wonderful to able to stand up in your favourite steakhouse, and loudly proclaim that your burger ran fourth in the Durban July!!!
@ Garth – I suppose the peas have eight “appendages” and can sniff an acorn from a kilometre away ???
🙂 yes I have been out a long time – got tired of the Nats and anticipated what was to come after! As for the Mongolian stir-fry, it most likely contained various bits of domestic cat too – known as “alley rabbit”.
I saw on American news this morning that supermarkets will be required to label all GM foods as such; they are not happy!
Try reading Canadian writer Ruth Ozeki she has written a book about the beef trade in America also about GM agriculture.
More interesting reading;
DEADLY FEASTS: Tracking the Secrets of a Terrifying New Plague
by Richard Rhodes
Deadly Feasts” doesn’t aspire to such heights. Sometimes I got the feeling that the book had been rushed a little too quickly into print. Will the suggested 2012 epidemic happen? – it’s not happened yet seeing as we are in 2013. The whole thing is alarmist like the horse meat debacle.