Madonsela Nkandla Report cartoon

Will Thuli Madonsela's Nkandla report damage Zuma and the ANC?

8 ways Zuma can spin Nkandla!

Wonkie has the greatest respect for Thuli Madonsela. In fact, she is one of the very few high profile South Africans that Wonkie would back should she ever start a political party. While there has been much in the headlines about her recent report about the wonderful Nkandla saga, Wonkie wonders whether any of it will really make any difference on the South African political landscape.

Zuma, and the ANC, are hardly inept when it comes to covering their ample behinds. So, Wonkie thought it would be interesting to share some ingenious ways that they might spin Nkandla.

1. The Shaggy Defence

Shaggy photo

It Wasn’t Me!

The most obvious defence is for Zuma to stand up and say “It wasn’t me!” There is no shortage of incompetent internal fall-guys the ANC could use to divert the public’s attention. If you hear that the deputy minister of something-or-other was ultimately responsible for overspending on Nkandla, then you know that Operation Shaggy has been successful.

2. The Hansie Defence

An extension of the above, Zuma could likely claim that the nasty “Tokoloshe made me do it”. Not only will this spin strategy work, it will also help him consolidate his support from sympatheic voters across the country. Who amongst us, after all, have not sinned or been led astray by forces beyond our control?

3. The Poor Ol’ Me Defence

As the leader of a nation, President Zuma simply does not have time to read every multi-100-million Rand upgrade proposal to his home. Not when there are more pressing matters like basic education and corruption to manage. Seriously, it’s just not practical.

Nkandla is just one such document that slipped through – and quite honestly, had he known about it, he simply would never have approved such ridiculous extravagance.

Zuma Nkandla etolls image

This fitting image (source unknown) went viral after Zuma’s statement on Nkandla

4. The Voodoo Defence

Since the ANC has already accused Thuli Madonsela of being biased against the ANC, this defence is a natural follow-on. Since she is continuing to pursue the ANC relentlessly, she must be possessed by demons. Hopefully after the Public Protector exorcism ceremony kindly commissioned by the SABC, Miss Madonsela will be back on the righteous pro-ANC path.

5. It cos I’m black innit Defence

The “it’s my culture” argument is a solid one and one that has served President Zuma well over the years. From polygamy to justifying numerous indiscretions, one can still successfully pull the race card in South Africa and get away with it. If you hear that cattle are an extension of a Zulu man’s very soul, and that they have the right to be as protected as a Zulu man himself, then you can assume that this defence is at work.

6. The Security Defence

The initial proposal by the Defence Minister for the protection of the Nkandla compound, oops home, was that there be a 100m moat surrounding the entire village. After much brave deliberation and persuasion by President Zuma, the defence ministry finally agreed that it would serve the public interest better by building a small swimming pool instead. It would be cheaper, and it least the principle of the security moat filled with vicious crocodiles would still be there. Kudos to President Zuma for leading by example and showing that expenses can always be cut to make government more efficient.

The plus side of this defence is that the ANC gets to show that they relate to the populace about their serious concerns regarding personal safety and security. Once again – President Zuma, man of the people.

7. The Petty DA Defence

Once again, this is victimisation of our good president by the unscrupulous DA. Honestly, in the grand scheme of South African corruption, Nkandla is completely insignificant – but why attack and harp on this one minor incident. I’ll tell you why: it’s just part of smear campaign aimed at discrediting a great leader, someone who fought for South African freedom – your freedom.

Note the cheekiness of this strategy, in that wrongdoing is admitted but the presentation still relieves the perpetrator of accountability by diverting the public’s attention.

8. You Got It Wrong Defence

Depending on how much testosterone is floating around in the ANC ranks, the ultimate cheeky spin would be this one.

It goes something like this: “Sure, we built Nkandla, but we did it for the community. Seriously, who do you think the clinic and the swimming pool is for? Me? I don’t even swim, I shower! This is just our way of giving back – and the good news is that soon, this pilot project will be rolled out to all the other areas of South Africa that are currently facing service delivery challenges (provided of course, they vote for the ANC).”

Wonkie would love to hear your thoughts on whether the Nkandla report will affect the ANC in any meaningful way in the upcoming 2014 South African elections:

COMMENT on Madonsela’s Nkandla Report and the ANC election strategy.

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Kineosho Pre-Launch image

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If the thought of Zuma getting away with the Nkandla upgrade makes you cringe, perhaps now would be a good time to buy an international lottery ticket online – after all, President Zuma can’t be the only man who is so lucky in South Africa.

Realistically though, Zuma appears to be more capable of beating the odds than the average South African citizen. Wonkie is tempted to tell you to try a South African online casino or to review Wonkie’s top 10 online casinos to see if you can raise the funds to flee the country, but Wonkie is certain that you know better than to do that!

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Wonkie readers based in India, and are wondering what all the fuss about government corruption is about, should visit this great website instead.

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Related articles on Nkandla, and the ANC:

  1. Zuma’s Nkandla Upgrade – Dodgy, or not?
  2. ANC Election Strategy

COMMENT on Madonsela’s Nkandla Report and the ANC election strategy.

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  1. This is one sure way of reducing ANC voters drastically. These guys are heartless with their deeds. Satan is working with them.

  2. notaround says

    It will not make one iota of a difference, I think, zuma is the king and the king has a castle

    • South Africans will have to draw the line at some point, the question is when will they bring out their pencils? For this instance, however, Wonkie shares your sentiment.

  3. I like no. 8. The thought of changing all shacks in to Mini-Nkandlas, Beautiful. That is what Mandela was fighting for. we all must have fire pools.

  4. a-maize-ingly corny says

    For the latest “Gangnam style” video – entitled “Nkandla style” go to
    This is soooooooo true and funny too!

  5. As happens in all instances of ANC malfeasance, a scapegoat will be found whether unwilling or willingly (as a result of a fantastic payout).
    Wonderboom airport’s Major Anderson was unwilling to take the blame and we have heard nothing since then. Is she still alive, imprisoned, still being tortured by the MK operatives that survived Quattro?

  6. Clivealex says

    The biggest criminal there was that dodgy architect, what ever his name is. He got away with millions, because he was being paid by percentage of the spend, so it was in his interest to inflate everything . I have heard everything from R16 mil to R45 mil.
    I wonder if anyone really knows?

    • Clivealex, you say that the dodgy architect was the biggest criminal.
      Surely the person who hired him (Jacob Zuma) was even more responsible because he failed to object to the excessive charges because he knew that the security cluster had his back so would permit any criminal excesses.
      I’m sure that Jacob cares not one iota what occurs under his watch since he has already decided what the name of the country will be changed to, once rock-bottom has been reached i.e. ZUMbabwe (as a tribute to Mugabe who taught him that destroying a country gains you huge popularity in Africa)

      • The sad thing is that the election that’s coming is likely to reflect exactly how much people care about this whole issue.

    • Sorry Clivealex, but must you be so cynical? Have you no idea how many years it takes in architecture school to design a high security swimming pool? South Africans should be grateful that Zuma negotiated such a bargain price, and kept the costs down to only R45,000,000.

  7. The most worrying thing is the ANC members and ministers defending this instead of throwing the bum out. Surely their defense of the Nkandla fiasco besides being unseemly must put them in the same corrupt game. Maybe we should throw all these bums out.

    • Garth, of course they will defend him. I’m sure JZ promised them a free bbq and a swim in his “fire-pool”. Maybe even playing “tag” in the underground tunnels – from “hut to hut”; something like musical chairs.

    • Annatjie says

      They are defending him because they hope to be able to also upgrade the “security” at their compounds – sorry homes.

  8. Why should the president pay for something he surely didn’t ask for.

    • How do you know he didn’t ask for it?? do you really think that after the public outcry and outrage he would admit if he did ask for or gave consent for it? So, if he really didn’t ask for it or is “innocent” of any “crime” he should be decent enough to not accept the unasked for upgrades of Nkandla and give it to the “people” he claims to care about. I don’t think he will….

    • How can you compare the e-tolling system with Nkandla. Zuma says he did not ask for Nkandla the Gauteng motorists say they did not ask for e-tolling. The difference is that Zuma is not paying for Nkandla.
      It will turn out that e-tolling will cost a hell of a lot more.

  9. Out of Africa says

    I have to agree with Garth; Zuma could hardly have had such a fancy kraal built without the enabling and blessing of all his political cronies, so don’t expect any defence. Like most character-defective people, they will turn the tables on Madonsela and vilify her to detract from themselves.
    “The people have voted (spoken) – they must be punished” – Ed Koch 1924 – 2001

  10. a-maize-ingly corny says

    I, unfortunately, never did see the “uncensored” ‘Spear of the Nation’, but if he can pull off a successful spin on this one then he, surely, must have big, brass b*lls !!!

  11. Maize, I am sorry you did not see the spear of the nation. I can assure you it was as frightening as it was prophetic. He has this big flabby between his legs which could bring tears to your eyes and yet Nkandla is an even bigger, even floppier, even flabbier appendage that will really cause you to weep for our country.

  12. I have nothing more to add. This is all too depressing for words. How did our country ever fall into the hands of these Philistines?
    I have heard that the software used to count the votes is rigged in favour of the ANC. Is that possible? Someone should monitor the ICC.

  13. Out of Africa says

    There was a crooked man
    Who had a crooked style
    He had a crooked walk
    And a crooked little smile
    And his eyes were independent
    Even though they seemed quite dead
    And he had a little shower
    Perched on his misshapen head

    And he had a merry gang
    Who would do all that he asked
    Even blocking our poor Thuli
    In the work she had been tasked
    Does it need a crooked man
    To run so many crooked scams?
    When it seems all of the ANC
    Are as silent as the lambs

    Even though they are the first
    To point out other people’s faults
    They are running round and stuffing
    Lots of money into vaults
    They know the banks aren’t safe
    Because they plan to nationalise
    And to put their money in those
    Institutions won’t be wise

    So their money goes to Austria
    And to Switzerland as well
    The toll roads are their pension
    While the country goes to hell
    They would rather rule a dungheap
    Than a pleasant happy land
    And the voters, oh the voters
    Put their heads deep in the sand

    They will make their mark as usual
    And then warn the ANC
    That they’d better fix things up
    Or there’ll be trouble, wait and see
    So after the elections
    There’ll be tyres all ablaze
    There’ll be rubber bullets flying
    And an almond smelling haze

    As the cops deploy the teargas
    And the people choke and cry
    And the rubber turns to metal
    And the people fall and die
    But you know it’s only five years
    Then they’ll get another turn
    And the ANC will feed them
    While the cities slowly burn

    So there was a crooked man
    The world was quiet as a mouse
    While he went and spent more millions
    On his crooked little house………….

    Hilary Cuyler

    • Brilliantly written, Hilary! Wish that the whole wold could read this and know what is going on here in this sorry Land of ours…

      • Out of Africa says

        Ja Ouma, the poem is wending its way across the world! Many individuals know what is going on but it is not very PC to care. The ANC is still riding on Mandela’s coat tails, and he is still regarded internationally as the saint of all time!

  14. Fuck you all blankes pink asses. Please leave
    Zuma and ANC alone this is no ordinary political party not just a pink-ass lady party. Mind your fading party.

    • You are so right, Iqubula, the anc is no ordinary party, it is a lot of incompetent people, living off the fat of the land while their own people die of hunger …

    • Clivealex says

      Typical ANC type comment. Purely racist based and complete with foul language. is it any wonder that your type is regarded with comtempt?

    • a-maize-ingly corny says

      Dear Icky Boola
      (Look up ‘icky’ in the Oxford dictionary and you will find that, amongst other things, it means ‘repulsive’ – Urban dictionary defines ‘boola’ as the sound you make when discovered [doing SOMEthing] in the Janitor’s closet.)
      Your comment, which almost certainly reflects on your mind, is an oxymoron – ‘blankes’ means ‘white(s)’ and ‘pink’ means pink.. There is no such colour as white-pink!
      The reflection on your mind loses the ‘oxy’ part leaving a fair description of the prater of the prattle that comes from your not-so-vivid imagination.
      The not so ordinary party which you appear to espouse is most certainly NOT ordinary. The most extra-ordinary thing about the ANC (and its beloved shower-headed “leader”) is that so many people (including, according to some sources, a host of dead ones) appear to think that, because Nelson Mandela was a member, it can do no wrong. Those, like you, show their moronic side at each election.
      Come back Mzu, Icky Boola needs your help!!!

  15. CCCB’s (Currently Corrupt Criminal Bourgeoisie’s)

    This is my lone voice crying in the wilderness against the corrupt practices everywhere, and especially in RSA government. Our people must not allow themselves to be fooled once more by CCCB’s (Currently Corrupt Criminal Bourgeoisie’s) disguising themselves as the liberators of our people, like wolves in sheep’s clothing! I’ll round my lamentation off with this quote from the Bible: Proverbs 6:16-19 MKJV These six Jehovah hates; yea, seven are hateful to his soul: (17) a proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, (18) a heart that plots wicked plans, feet hurrying to run to evil, (19) a false witness who speaks lies, and he who causes fighting among brothers.

  16. @Iqubula
    Listen retard, SA was inhabited by the San and the Khoi and not black people. Your forefathers came much later, you invaded this land and now want to claim it as your own. Before you make hateful, rasist remarks, go and study your history. It is thanks to your wonderful government, the cANCer, that you don’t have a proper education.
    Well said a-maize-ingly corny but I think it went right over his head. Too many “big” words.

  17. Zuma is not an Architect nor a Quantity Surveyor. You can’t expect him to be a Project Manager whilst persuing presidential tasks. Zuma appointed people to do this task for him. Of course it is only at the completition of a task that such revelation takes place. Appointing the SIU to investigate is the step in the right direction. What happened to innocent till proven guilty. Is Thulie conversant with Security equipments and Quantity Surveying. Were the prices not inflated by the construction companies. While are people so quick to judge. All along Zuma has been labelled non educated now you expect him to act educated and be able to quantify by mere looking at the projects or what? This freedom of expression is taken too far. Some people display their blatant ignorance, hatred and hunger for power . Some are life time Presidents of their parties yet they claim to be democratic. How many parties have exchanged leadership beside the ANC.

  18. Hi Stanley, someone had to bring religion into the debate’ Lets make this clear despite the ANC prevailing on God to make sure they rule forever they are in fact Godless. They sin when they defend the biggest thief in the land, they sin when they defend corruption, I would go as far a saying they sin for voting ANC because they are complicit in its evildoing.
    Icky boola, you are another sinner who thinks it is alright to use dirty foul language in racist defense of the ANC. Shame on you.

  19. Michael, you sound like another crooked apologist for the ANC corruption and the fool in charge.

  20. Corny, we look at history through a damaged lens where what we saw yesterday has no relevance to what is happening today. A fine example is USA foreign policy, they invaded Iraq on a pretense, they invaded Afghanistan for who knows the reason, they invade Panama to protect Americans and catch a drug lord. They protected Kosovo when it declared a unilateral independence they support a non democratic overthrow of Ukraine they support a right wing non democratic chauvinistic government in Saudi Arabia and Qatar. They build military bases surrounding countries where they want to establish hegemony. But that’s alright because it happened yesterday. But let the Russians hold what appears to be popular referendum in Crimea and the yanks cry foul. Let the USA impose sanctions on Russia and then say Russia is not playing fair by imposing energy sanctions on Ukraine.
    To return to our own land what have we done to resolve all our problems, education is a mess employment has failed to revive, service delivery is non existent, after 20 years of liberation we have actually achieved very little, after 20 years Rwanda is in growth mode, Vietnam is flourishing and many other countries that were devastated by conflict or war have recovered and doing well. Why aren’t we among them. Instead of harping on about white pink asses why doesn’t Icky Boola see whats going on around us.

  21. Chris Allan says

    I don’t know what all the fuss is about, after all the “Spear of the Nation” needs to be properly and securely housed. Can you imagine the possible damage if it fell into enemy hands!

    • Out of Africa says

      But I thought it was……….how many wives does he need??

    • a-maize-ingly corny says

      As I said previously, I haven’t seen the un-“censored” image of “The Spear” but by all accounts the enemy would need very large hands and, maybe, this is why Nkandla has had to “grow” out of all proportion to house “The Spear”
      Or does the damage come from “The Spear” also being “Mchini-wam'”?
      Is this why Out of Africa wonders how many wives he needs?

      Just wondering!

  22. I am grateful that we can chat about politics in this way.

    Continue the awesome work!

  23. Star Geldenhuys says

    I am a mature resident of South Africa. I have spent more than 50 years in the education of the youth of South Africa. I am 100% behind Thuli Madonsela. She is a lady of integrity and is doing an amazing job as Public protector! We are priviledged indeed to have a lady of her calibre in office.
    I honestly believe that there are MANY people who feel likewise. I cannot but respect her for her uncompromising attitude that right is right and wrong is wrong!! Without emotion she states her case and all right minded people have no option but to agree with her. Our country is so full of corruption and fraud and she is the only one who will rise to the occasion and state publicly what is right and what is WRONG in South Africa.
    Irrespective of my age I would deem it an honour to assist this lady in her persuit of uncovering all the illegal, fraudulent activities that threaten us all, as public protecter.

    • Chris Allan says

      Ms. Madonsela is indeed an exceptional person, I cannot even begin to imagine the amount of stress she works under. Unfortunately they will find a way to fire her.

      • Chris, her term is coming to an end in the not too distant future. She won’t be fired, merely replaced with a more compliant lickspittle. Someone with the spinelessness of Lawrence Mushwana, the previous Public Protector who never found fault with the ANC, irrespective of the complaint.
        This nearly happened recently when Zuma or one of his devotees tried to have Gill Marcus, when she announced her retirement, replaced by a person with little or no experience Fortunately wiser heads prevailed, probably someone in a superior position in the Reserve Bank since there appears to be no wise heads in the Cabinet, only morons.


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