It’s that time of the year again when most people are in a cheery mood, full of alcohol, or both. Christmas is around the corner and you’re all geared up for some much-needed retail therapy. 2012 has proven to be a challenging year on many counts and to help you celebrate its end, Wonkie has put together some clever ways you can blast through your Christmas Bonus this December.
Sure, you could be boring and squirrel away the extra dough into your mortgage or kid’s education fund. But what’s the fun in that when you could exercise one of the more interesting options below instead:
1. Go to Europe and make an appointment with the Greek Finance Minister. Say that you’d like to do your bit to help fund their bailout and proceed to sign over your full Christmas bonus. Of course, you should ensure that CNN and the BBC are present at the meeting so you can capture the moment and use it in your nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize in 2013.
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2. Visit SANRAL and furiously negotiate to sign over your 13th cheque as lifetime e-toll payments in advance for all Gauteng motorists. In the unlikely event that they refuse your generosity, file a case with Amnesty International and claim that your human right to use freeways have been grossly violated.
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3. Donate your entire Christmas bonus to a lost cause. No, Wonkie is not talking about the Global Cooling NGO or the International Save the Taliban Foundation. Wonkie is thinking more along the lines of buying Microsoft shares in the wake of the latest Apple market share results.
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4. Throw a massive End Of World Party. Be sure to invite and seat Monica Lewinsky, Hillary Clinton, the Pope and Lady Gaga at the same table. Barack Obama will unfortunately be unable to attend because he’s busy figuring out ways to tax the crap out of Republicans, because he finally can.
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5. Invest in Jacob Zuma’s Nkandla compound (more than you already have with your tax money if you’re South African). Given that Kgalema Motlanthe looks like he’s seriously constipated everytime he’s been on TV recently it’s very likely that you’ll be buying a share in the future of South Africa in Jacob Zuma (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).
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6. Use your Christmas bonus to secure a senior government post in South Africa. Clem Sunter has apparently worked out that ‘investing’ your way into a government position yields better annuity income than any investment product in the market. Talk about making money while you sleep!
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7. Self-publish a book and leave a useful legacy. Write on a practical topic – e.g. on the lost art form of weaving nostril hair into jerseys in Malawi. Be sure to send a copy of the book to Ellen Degeneris along with a sample jersey… the world will be your oyster after that.
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8. Spend all of it buying tickets for the El Gordo de Navidad lottery in the hope of winning big and starting your own African country. In case you haven’t heard, the prizes for this annual Spanish lotto total over a Billion Euros – play lottery online here!
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9. Of course, if you believe you’re above statistics, house odds and common sense then try your luck at one of the many South African online casino options instead. Alternatively click here for a more structured approach to gambling online. If you’re going to throw away money, make sure you have fun doing it… the least you can do is pretend you’re James Bond whilst playing!
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10. Finally, since Christmas is a time of giving, why not use your bonus to deliver a random act of kindness. No, Wonkie is not suggesting you go all Angelina Jolie and adopt a needy child from Rwanda. Perhaps something more practical like walking into a police station and offering “lunch money” to someone to accidentally misplace a few hundred traffic fines.
As Wonkie prepares for its final post of this year next week, and if the Mayans have their way, its final post of all time, Wonkie wishes those of you who are travelling a safe journey. And please remember what Jub Jub says: DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!
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- Merry Christmas – Peace on Earth Cartoon
- Gauteng e-toll news
- Zuma Nkandla upgrade
- Will the World End in 2012?
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Happy Christmas to you all, especially amaizingly horny.
Felice Navidad, prospero anno y felicidad
Merry Christmas and Happiest and Prosperous 2013 to all Wonkie subscribers.
HAPPY CHISTMAS TO JULIUS MALEMA AND HIS SIX MILLION SUPPORTERS.