The world hit a rough patch over the last week: the USA had its credit-worthiness downgraded by an international rating agency; looting and riots are erupting all over the UK; the famine is claiming more lives daily in Somalia; and Moolius Jalema inadvertently contracted mad cow disease. Are all these events tied together somehow? Is this a sign that the world will end in 2012? All these questions, and more, will be answered in this week’s Wonkie article.
The executive summary answer to all the above questions is… Yes.
Undercover Wonkie researchers have been working all through 8th August 2011, Women’s Day in South Africa, to bring you this special World Economics report. Our legal advisors advised us to inform you that absolutely no women were harmed in the production of this report.
The story begins about 7 years ago, when an entrepreneurial Somalian named Amadayo Hafifi decided to start his own venture. Life in Mogadishu was tough, but somehow, he managed to get his business plan accepted into a local incubator. Under the guidance of his mentor, he toiled for months, honing his strategy and abducting small pieces of metal and wood from nearby parked vehicles. By December 2006, he had completed phase 1 of his project. He had built what was to be the first boat, of a fleet of awesome boats.
A month later, Amadayo had recruited a full crew, many of whom were lawyers that assisted celebrities through the “adoption processes” of African countries. Strangely enough, they were the only ones that managed to ace the battery of psychometric evaluations required by his rigorous recruitment process.
On February 14, 2007, he set sail with his crew in Phase 3 of his business plan. As most well-meaning MBAs will fail to tell you, luck is often an unfortunate essential to business success. Fortunately for Amadayo, his crew proved to be very lucky. Their first customer happened to be a British cruise ship that had somehow veered off course from Ibiza (don’t ask). And so Amadayo’s asset relocation and structured finance business took off. In fact, he was one of the few Somalian entrepreneurs that made the international news quite frequently.
Over the next 2 years, Amadayo’s venture blossomed. He relocated assets and cleverly reinvested the proceeds into building bigger ships and hiring more crew. Wonkie reporters managed to obtain a recorded phone call in which Sir Richard Branson invited Amadayo over to his mansion in the UK. He had made it big.
Making the most out of every opportunity as always, Amadayo took time out during his trip to watch his favourite premiership team, the Spurs. There, by pure coincidence, he bumped into 2 football hooligans that he had befriended during his first customer meeting on the British cruise ship. A believer in fate, Amadayo hired them on the spot. His crew was truly international.
Then, in early 2009, the cycle turned. Amadayo had decided to diversify and sunk a huge chunk of his portfolio into the futures market – for rain. Little did he know then, but he was about to fall victim to a little-known Norwegian scam called the Bjorn Milky. In a matter of weeks he lost everything: his ships; his entire crew; 4 of his teeth; and Somalia’s entire rainfall supply for the following 3 years. His girlfriend left him for some blonde guy named Jurgen. Even the 2 ruffians from London, whom he had grown rather close to, made their way back to the UK. Sad times fell upon Amadayo.
Determined not to be set back though, in May 2011, Amadayo discovered he could “win” a green card to America. When he arrived by raft in Miami, he started a small venture selling stuff on eBay after being turned down for a hedge fund job at Goldman Sachs. Being entrepreneurial of course, he found a way to sell other people’s stuff, often without them even knowing about it.
Within a month, he was wheeling, dealing and back in the money.
It was all going very well, until early last week. In an ambitious transaction, Amadayo managed to sell an iPod nano for $6.4 Billion to the US treasury. Unfortunately, this very transaction flagged all sorts of credit score triggers which ultimately led to Black Monday, the downgrade of America’s credit-worthiness. Not surprisingly, the rating agency was S&P, the geniuses who gave Lehman Brothers a AAA credit rating right up to the point where it collapsed into a heap of stinky dung.
Sadly, the story does not end there. The iPod nano that Amadayo had pre-sold belonged to a gentle, elderly man in Tottenham. In fact, he was the grandfather of one of the two hooligans he had hired back in the good ol’ days in Somalia. The grandfather was not happy to find his iPod nano missing. When he hacked into Britain’s extensive CCTV network and saw that his grandson had stolen it from him, he was even less happy.
It was the last straw, and he decided to teach his grandson a lesson. He walked to the local pub and saw his grandson’s car there, with his iPod nano neatly nestled in the sheepskin seatcovers. In a fit of rage, he petrol-bombed the car. Soon, the locals gathered around and cheered and protested against anything and everything: the economy; the low level of welfare grants; football scores; a guy getting shot by the police; you name it, and they went mad about it.
Before long, one car on fire seemed lonely. So the crowd set another alight, and then another. Then, it just went out of control – one chap in the mob wanted a McDonald’s burger and didn’t have enough money, so he decided to loot a charity store. The rest, is current affairs.
Wonkie’s actuaries have modelled the current rate of world destruction and found that it fits a pear-shaped distribution, almost perfectly. This means that in all probability, the world will likely end by December 2012, as predicted by those calculating Mayans.
Wonkie urges you to take heed and ensure you enjoy every moment of every day, especially now that times are tough.
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