Wonkie thought that by now, you’re probably tired of reading headlines claiming that COP17 was a pathetic failure. You’ve no doubt read stories about how many delegates simply rehashed their speeches from previous COP meetings, and how the Americans effectively gave global warming issues the cold shoulder once again. You’ve probably also seen lots of pictures of cute females in floral t-shirts scampering around in their hotpants campaigning to save the planet.
Well now, Wonkie urges you to STOP. Take a deep breath. Stop wondering why you’re sitting in a dead-end job and had not been invited to that fun party by the sea. Stop imagining how great it would be to stop shaving your under-arms and not care about it (Wonkie believes many green people do this because everyone else stops breathing for a few seconds when they see it, thereby reducing CO2 emissions in the immediate vicinity). Stop thinking what if you could randomly travel abroad to attend week-long climate change conferences, and get praised for achieving nothing of consequence. Stop it right now. Those privileges are reserved for a select few.
Wonkie’s international think tank, which incidentally was banned from the COP17 climate change conference because of its controversial views, suggested publishing some of its findings and recommendations here to better inform the public of the real facts, options and constructive ways forward. Wonkie’s place at the conference was taken by archbishop Moletelo Molaba from Qwaqwa who offered his 100% guaranteed solution for climate change: prayer.
Below is an executive summary of Wonkie’s COP17 research report:
- COP is waste of time and money since the most powerful players are not really interested in change. America, which emits more CO2 than a process-optimised Mexican bean factory, is clearly not taking any helpful steps forward. India and other developing countries want to be like America so they’re not keen on changing either.
- Since no country is really doing anything constructive, it makes sense for the public to either (a) embrace the fact that climate change is here to stay; or (b) take steps to make the change themselves
- If they select option (a), now would be a good time to set up swimsuit businesses in Bangladesh and the Maldives and also to buy loads of sunblock
- Also following from option (a), Wonkie forecasts huge job creation in the Siberian real estate market. A temperature rise of a few degrees there would probably make it a great candidate for the next housing boom and subprime crisis.
- For the die-hard green activists, option (b) might be more attractive. Following months of gruelling research, Wonkie’s think tank came up with the ultimate technology solution for climate change, illustrated below.
- Wonkie has already approached the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation for funding the prototype. If you would like to make a contribution to save the planet for your grandchildren, please get in touch today and we’ll tell you how you can help.
As the year comes to a close, drive safely to wherever you’re heading and please don’t drink and drive! We look forward to reading your thoughts on COP17 and climate change in the comments section below.