Doomsday-mongers, dodgy astrologists, Mayan descendents, and reborn Christians all over the world found themselves in a mad build-up frenzy this week. The build-up, of course, is to the current deadline of 21st December 2012 – the much-anticipated end of the world. That’s tomorrow for those of you who have just woken up from a seven year coma.
With so many half-truths floating about the world’s toilet bowl, Wonkie decided to investigate deeper to provide readers with The Whole Truth. Read on to discover the facts about planetary alignment, Mayan prophecy, predictions about the future, what you should be doing to prepare for the end of the world, and more.
After spending several intense weeks in Brazil investigating the Mayan culture, Wonkie researchers unfortunately concluded that Rio was not the hub of the Mayan empire. In fact, that claim to fame lay on another continent altogether. Wonkie, together with a small team from NASA, then made their way north to Cancun, Mexico. There things started to get interesting.
It was there that the End of Days research team experienced its first ominous omen. It was much like the mysterious illnesses the initial tomb explorers in Egypt were inflicted with. It later turned out that it was just a really bad case of the runs from some suspect Mexican burritos. Nevertheless, the whole scene did help build up the anticipation that we were close to some epic discovery.
As luck would have it, our research journey led us to some ancient Mayan texts soon after – texts that explained everything. It really is amazing what one can buy from those stinky sombrero-laden salesmen traipsing up and down the beach all day if one knows what to ask for. A few bottles of tequila and a close attack from a Peta worms-rights activist later, the team had a shocking, complete Mayan translation in hand.
For those not in the know, the Maya that Wonkie is talking about is not Maya the Bee. It is a Mesoamerican civilization renowned for its architecture and strikingly accurate mathematical and astronomical systems. Mayans were around from about 2600 BC and were the creators of the only known written language in the pre-Columbian Americas. There is no known relationship between the Maya and the bee.
In any case, the translated tablets were apparently etched by a young boy named Atapaca Uximal in some ancient creative writing class back in the good ol’ early days of the Mesoamerican Long Count Calender (around 2400 BC). It turns out that Atapaca had quite the knack of mixing fact and fiction and later developed into one of the foremost Mayan movie producers of his era. Bored with the usual predictions of mass spiritual enlightenment at the end of the Mayan Epoch prevalent at that time, Atapaca wrote an essay on the end of the world instead. It took the Mayan culture by storm.
Atapaca later produced the highest grossing hit movie in the pre-Columbian era based on his initial 2012 end of the world essay. This movie of course was rather poorly remade recently in a tacky attempt to reproduce some ancient cinematic genius. As is the case with many a good story, the lines between paranoia and prediction became quite blurred over time. Random facts like some arbitrary planetary alignment were attached with significance mostly by forward-thinking Mayan marketing gurus who saw the opportunity for their great-great-great(x20)-grandchildren to sell end-of-world survival kits. The rest, as they say, we’ll find out tomorrow.
The revelations in these historic Mayan tablets led the Wonkie research team to generate some interesting and relevant insights:
- People will believe just about anything given enough time and marketing resources;
- Planets are always aligning in some way or other, predicting which alignments are significant and in which ways is like trying to count sand on the beach – it’s human nature to try, but it will likely be a pretty pointless adventure;
- If you sell stuff to avert something nasty happening in the future, then unless you’re a complete moron, chances are you will probably become very, very rich;
- The smartest people accept that they don’t know what’s going to happen in the future and make the most out of the situation at hand. So if you’re throwing a massive end-of-world party and celebrating the moment regardless of what tomorrow brings, Wonkie is very proud to know you!
UPDATE: Thanks to those of you who voted for Wonkie Cartoons in the recent SA 2012 Blog Awards. Since the the world did not end on 21 Dec 2012, Wonkie will happily celebrate its runner up positions in the Most Entertaining Blog and Best Politics Blog categories in 2012… Thank you again!
On possibly Wonkie’s final note, Wonkie wishes all survivors of 21 December 2012 the very best for Christmas and the New Year. May 2013 be filled with less international financial chaos, more of president Zuma’s children, increased spiritual enlightenment, and many, many more laughs!
If you’re glad that Zuma has not been ousted in Mangaung, and are confident that the world will not end tomorrow, perhaps this is a good time to push your luck and gamble online in South Africa or click here if you’re based in India instead. You can also check out the best Christmas