In true tabloid form, the South African media have all but crucified Oscar Pistorius since last week’s Valentine’s day incident. For those of you awaking from hibernation, bladerunner and Paralympic gold medalist Oscar Pistorius is currently on trial for shooting his lovely girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp on the 14th February 2013.
As per the usual slack news reporting standards, there have been unverified reports of abusive behaviour from Oscar in relationships, a screaming match on the night of the murder, rumours of a love triangle with Springbok rugby player Francois Hougaard, to mention but a few of the Bold & Beautiful tidbits. Needless to say that the South African public happily gobbles it all up – after all, in the absence of Julius Malema from the news, they have been somewhat starved of sensationalist headlines recently.
By the looks of it, Wonkie reckons Oscar Pistorius, who going forward will probably be called gun-runner instead of bladerunner will likely get off on some technicality. For one thing, Hilton Botha, the investigating officer himself has several charges of attempted murder pending against him (welcome to South Africa). Botha allegedly checked out the scene of the crime without any of the cool protective gear we see on CSI, ensuring there is plenty contamination of the evidence. His story also appears to be changing as often as Paris Hilton’s underwear (and no, before you ask – they are not related).
Since the facts appear to matter only marginally in much of the South African justice system, Wonkie thought it would get a head start on the speculative conclusions. To this end Wonkie interviewed a cross-section of the public to get their views:
Jacob Zuma’s expert legal team who famously made dozens of corruption charges magically disappear commented that clearly this was a case of self-defense:
“How was Oscar Pistorius to know that it wasn’t a hijacker, or deadly assassin behind that toilet door? He weighed the odds in light of the stupidly high crime rate in South Africa and decided he had no choice but to shoot to defend himself. Unfortunately for Reeva Steenkamp, she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time and the four warning shots he fired all hit her.”
They went on to insist that the prosecution would be better off arresting the toilet door for conspiracy to murder – after all, it is clearly at fault for obstructing Oscar’s view.
Cecil the Psychopath offered an interesting theory: “Well, Oscar probably just intended to get her hundreds of flowers for Valentine’s Day… and just thought a little bit too much out of the box when it came to getting them delivered.”
Mo the Mob Boss simply sighed and said: “You know, someone musta told him to take his girlfriend out on the Valentine’s Day, and I guess he misunderstood. You know, these things happen sometimes. Sad, very sad.”
In a rare interview post asset-sequestration, Julius the Malema said: “Eh yes, I want to go to the Oscars, but SARS is gunning for me at the moment.”
If one does venture to look at the facts, one could easily establish that Oscar is guilty of something. If it’s not pre-meditated murder, then he is certainly guilty of stupidity. If Oscar is not a model prisoner in jail after all this, then he can certainly model as the poster boy for Gun Control in South Africa and abroad. It is precisely for reasons like this that paranoid idiots should not be given gun licenses.
Wonkie is keen to read your theories about whether Oscar is guilty of murder or not, or if you have a complete lack of empathy then feel free to share your Oscar Pistorius jokes in the comments section below.
Despite the amazing statistics from Statistics South Africa, crime in South Africa appears to be getting worse and worse in South Africa. If you’ve had enough of it, perhaps now would be a good time to click here to buy a lottery ticket online, or if you’re into more high-flying options, visit Wonkie’s online casino in South Africa directory instead. If you’re based in India or abroad then check out this great website or this updated guide to gamble online for real money USA today – there are some excellent pages to help you through the process. In any case, you can’t be in as risky a place as Oscar Pistorius is in right now!
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