While the rest of the world continued gasping in horror at tasteless Oscar Pistorius jokes, Wonkie went deep undercover to discover the Whole Truth behind the dodgy meat scandals around the world. After a week of in-depth investigation costing billions of Zimbabwe dollars, Wonkie is finally confident to present its exclusive findings in this breaking news expose.
Wonkie’s team first noticed something fishy about the meat scandal when Swedish ready-to-assemble furniture retailer IKEA was reported to be distributing horse meat through its meatballs. If consumers can’t trust meatballs coming from a reputable cheap furniture company, Wonkie realised that something deeply underhanded was going on… something way beyond anything an ordinary human could think up.
When the IKEA meatballs were traced back to their slaughterhouse supplier in Poland, Wonkie’s hunch was all but verified. A few interrogations in a barn just outside of Warsaw, revealed the dark, Whole Truth. Human consumers had inadvertently stumbled onto the workings of the international Animal Mafia… the infamous Cowsa Nostra.
Wonkie followed the long trail back to a moose in an East-African zoo who, on condition of anonymity, spilt the proverbial GMO beans. The moose had been incarcerated by the ASPCH (Animal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans) for its role in engineering the violence in the 2007 Kenyan elections. There, Wonkie learnt about the international turf wars between the cows, pigs, tuna and donkeys which have spanned centuries. It turns out humans have been eating mislabelled food for decades now.
The Cowsa Nostra was using abattoirs as a means to dispose of anything from horse snitches and unfaithful aardvarks to peeping-tom giraffes.
“Trust me, you’re lucky you’ve only tested for donkey meat and water buffalo DNA in that boerewors you eat in South Africa,” said the moose. “I think you’d all go instantly vegan if you knew what else was in there…”
Wonkie asked the moose about the repercussions of the current findings: “So given this expose, how will things change? Will the Cowsa Nostra find a new way to dispose of animals that they’ve taken care of?”
“Ha!” replied the moose. “We have utmost faith that humans will simply forget the issue after a few weeks of sensationalist publicity.”
“And… if they don’t?” asked Wonkie.
“Well, we had already thought of that contingency years ago – we’ve built our own BBBEE certified DNA testing facilities that will “win” any government consumer protection body tender,” said the moose smugly. “I doubt it would come to that though – it’s like George Bush, Julius Malema or any other dodgy politician, everyone gets their knickers in a twist when they choke on a pretzel, but after a few weeks it never matters. Humans are a generally a boring bunch with convenient conviction – all talk and no action. They whine incessantly but when it comes time to take action, they rarely have the Swedish meatballs to do anything…”
In other news, South Africa stayed on top of its national goal of having at least one violent atrocity being reported internationally each week. The latest award goes to the the local police who publicly dragged a man to death, having tied him behind a police van. When Wonkie asked the moose to comment, he replied: “It’s a bit of a primitive technique, but hey – we all can’t be animals right?”
Wonkie looks forward to reading your opinions on the mislabelled meat saga. Are you OK with eating horse meat and donkey? How about giraffe, or water buffalo? Especially let Wonkie know if you’re whining about your meatballs and are actually going to do something about it!
If the thought of gobbling down a yummy donkey steak is quite off-putting, perhaps now would be a good time to either go vegetarian or click here to buy lotto tickets online and hope to win enough to build your own organic animal farm.
Wonkie’s investigation into the Cowsa Nostra revealed no links between the underground organisation and any of the institutions listed in the comprehensive Wonkie online casino South Africa directory. Readers wanting to explore more international options, can visit this excellent page or this Indian gambling website instead. Just remember though, what happens to donkeys that don’t know when to stop gambling!
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