Crime in South Africa cartoon

Easter Bunny coaches on how to manage crime in South Africa

Easter Bunny tips on Managing Violent Crime

South Africa has received a lot of international negative publicity about its violent crime over the last few months. Not surprising, given the Marikana shootings last year, the incident in which the police basically dragged a man to death behind their van, and the recent Oscar Pistorius trial debacle.

While many affected locals were disgruntled with Jacob Zuma’s flippant comments about how wonderfully safe and secure South Africa really is, Wonkie put on its solution-focused hat and decided it was high time for a positive post.To that end, Wonkie’s research team has put together half a dozen innovative ways to manage crime in South Africa:

1. Positive Thinking

Wonkie believes in the power of positive thinking. Life coaches and self help gurus have proven beyond a doubt that when you’re faced with a criminal pointing a gun to your head, all you need to do is to focus your chi (life force) and the bullet will bend away from you and your loved ones before impact. Occasionally this doesn’t work, but that’s entirely your fault because because you weren’t being positive enough.

2. Education

If you’re thinking that improving the education system will contribute to a better qualified work force, reduced unemployment and therefore a lower crime rate, then you’re simply not thinking sufficiently out of the box. Consider how the Matric pass rate, apparently the best indicator of how well the Education department is performing, is manipulated by fiddling with the pass mark annually. A simple application of this principle to manage crime in South Africa is to redefine what actually is a crime and what is not.

For example, imagine how great South African crime statistics would look if we defined death through gun shot or stabbing as death by acute metal allergies, instead of inappropriately calling it murder. Sure, the death by natural causes statistics will go up a touch but at least violent crime will finally be under control.

3. Philosophy

This strategy is one that is already employed by many in government but has not caught on with the general public as yet. If you pretend it doesn’t exist and ignore it, then who’s to say it really does exist? For example, if there’s an ATM bombing in Ventersdorp and there’s nobody there to witness it, did it really happen? Wonkie thinks not.

4. Vigilante Death Squads

Building on the incidents reported about the police force in Kwazulu-Natal and a recent screening of The Expendables, Wonkie thought this innovative solution would be a sure favourite for any victims that have already had a bad experience with crime themselves. Kangaroo Court justice has the added benefit of intense catharsis, which will no doubt leave South Africa a much happier, less stressful place. Wonkie has already contacted Arnold Schwarzenegger and a team of international mercenaries to secure a quote.

5. Threat of Mutual Destruction

A more proactive approach to managing crime is to take it into your own hands. Why not? After all, look how well that whole Cold War thing turned out. Of course this option is not without its disadvantages, particularly if you’re an unarmed toilet door living in a house with a paranoid, gun-toting maniac. A viable alternative if you don’t fancy carrying a semi-automatic assault rifle to bed each night yourself, is to pay off your local police protection racket – that will probably keep you safe for a while.

6. Chicken Style

Common sense dictates that if you and your family can run faster than your criminal attackers (and the bullets they’re shooting at you) then you’ll be just fine. Wonkie researchers determined that nothing is quite as fast as an aeroplane out of the country. Emigration remains is a popular choice for many.

If you read this article hoping you would get some tips on how to better manage your own crime business in South Africa, then Wonkie suggests you immediately call 08600 10 111. Please provide details about your operation while on the phone and a helicopter will come to provide you personal attention to resolve your challenges.

Please CLICK HERE to leave YOUR COMMENT on managing crime in South Africa!

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Related articles about corruption and crime in South Africa:

  1. Crime, what crime?
  2. Corruption in South Africa
  3. Julius Malema corruption charges

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Comments

  1. Do What Helen does, hire a rat to toe the line!!

  2. Drat, second again. I need to login earlier in the morning to be the first comment on Wonkie.

  3. @Garth – Don’t worry… Here at Wonkie we only give prizes for second!

  4. My suggestion to crime prevention is to hang an old Oranje-Blanje-Blou South African flag outside my house. The cops, CIA, FBI, NPA and everyone will avidly be watching my house for any activity and no-one will break into the house or attack me!!!

  5. George Ndhlovu says:

    THe south African government should enact strict gun control, possesion and use of guns as another measure to curb crime.

  6. Dear George ….DUH!!!

  7. Right On says:

    We cannot guarantee a corrupt-free police force, even if we fired the lot and recruited new members. The conscientious police personnel are thwarted at ever turn by inefficiency and corruption after cases leave their hands. The Government needs to open its collective eyes and start taking the situation seriously. Significantly improved economic conditions might help reduce certain forms of theft; but there’s only one answer to rape – compulsory chemical castration after first proven offence.

  8. Don’t you listen? zuma said yesterday that the Police are fine, and do not need investigations or enquiries!

  9. “Who wants to be the next state presisdent i.e. millionaire” ANBC version. Which of the following is NOT at the root of South Africa’s problems? You may phone a friend if you don’t know.
    a The ANC
    b The State president
    c The white, affluent people.
    d. The bloody church-going Calvinists
    PS. The answer is a and b, you racist fool!

  10. Bongile nxumalo says:

    The problem is not about South Africa, but about certain individuals with loose characters. just take a look at what south africa has done over the years, iterm of developing the country in every sphere. The law is in place to manage the culprits and perpetrators. think about the over 40 million population and a few shocking incidents have happened in recents months, so would you say South Africa has a high crime rate? absolute no, coz things like that happen everywhere in world. let us focus in the good South Africa has done, still have and will always have. South Africa is a country of hope, courage, skill and creativity. I share the same sentiment with President Jacob Zuma “South Africa is a safe country thats why you were given the rare opportunity to host the 2010 world cup, AFCON etc.

  11. you are really amazing. why dont you start your own political party

  12. That’s great, Tarava. Now that we have lived through “Once upon a time” I suppose we can all “live happily ever after”!!

  13. COLLITJIES says:

    The Kangaroo Court would eliminate most of the criminals. Those who witness the crimes are the best judges. Criminals under these conditions could not hide behind corrupt attornies and get away with it, then do the same crime once again. Those operating Kangaroo Courts don’t muck about.

  14. @Leona
    I love your suggestion – where can I get an old flag?? However, in reality I suspect the ANC will very quickly have us locked up for conspiracy and terrorism and heaven only knows what else and we won’t be coming out any time soon…… :-/

  15. Bongile, it is about certain individuals, like every individual in the police. Yes crime does happen in other countries, just more often in ours. Yes we do have some shocking incidents, everyday every minute. When someone gets murdered in Britain (or most other countries for that matter) it is played out on the media for a number of days (or until the culprit is caught) Here there are too many to report them all. We have a higher murder rate than Mexico and a higher rape rate than India. As for hope, courage skill or ceativity those virtues went down the tubes along time ago.

  16. thank you for comment Garth. “we have a higher murder rate than mexico and higher rape rate than India”. no aliens are behind rape and murder, but people. the thruth is that you and I have no control over human beings, thats why the law is in place to eliminate crime, nevertheless it is everybody rensponsibility to clean his or her closet from parents to children and instill values, morals etc coz no one was born a rapist, robber or murderer.to manage crime, the law should be reviewed and introduce tough sentences which will make people stay away from crime.

  17. What is the point Bongi? The prisons are already overflowing. Next thing our idiot government will do is release the rapists and murderers on clemency
    We must demand the return of the death sentence. You can say what you like, it IS a deterrent. With all these criminals executed, the anc will have no voters left!!!

  18. Impose death sentence for all murderers

  19. Bongile nxumalo says:

    i understand your take on this issue. nobody is happy about what is happening more especial when we expecting the fruits of our labour and none come forth, but pain. the death penalty should be given to the rapists and murderers because jails are there to correct our behaviour not to kill, given the fact that not all the prisoners are murderers and rapists. the most sad part is when the people who are supposed to protect us turn to be monsters (like the policemen who killed a tax driver).

  20. Dear Geneva What about convicted rapists of women and children?

  21. Chuck Norris for President…His Zulu is poor, but what the hell!!!

  22. It can be dubbed in afterwards, give the sabc board something to do!

  23. Convicted rapists of women and children should be sent to jail for life because if they are given a sentence and later released they will commit the same crimes. They are dangerous people letting them free is giving them another chance to continue with their mission.

  24. if we south africans can controll people coming in our country, crime will be less, they come from outside countries to do crime, cause they get away with it. if you look at the sentencing of crime, you steal you get harsh time, you kill/rape you get less sentence. something must be done about that.

  25. LOL… nice one Wonkie – loved the article!

  26. Monk, hiow do you know this. All the criminals I have seen are local’ There may be the odd Zimbabwean or Mozambican and many Nigerian fraudsters. But they are but a minority. The real reason crime is so rife in South Africa is because the police are so slack.
    Bongile, yes there are many laws in place to combat crime and new ones are created so that Parliament has something to do. But if the current laws were properly policed and prosecuted there would be much less crime. But the Police and the justice system are just not doing their job.

  27. Yeah, and when they do apprehend somebody, they usually walk on a technicality because the under-trained investigators cock it up. Watch Oscar walk free!!!!, no pun intended

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