South Africa has received a lot of international negative publicity about its violent crime over the last few months. Not surprising, given the Marikana shootings last year, the incident in which the police basically dragged a man to death behind their van, and the recent Oscar Pistorius trial debacle.
While many affected locals were disgruntled with Jacob Zuma’s flippant comments about how wonderfully safe and secure South Africa really is, Wonkie put on its solution-focused hat and decided it was high time for a positive post.To that end, Wonkie’s research team has put together half a dozen innovative ways to manage crime in South Africa:
1. Positive Thinking
Wonkie believes in the power of positive thinking. Life coaches and self help gurus have proven beyond a doubt that when you’re faced with a criminal pointing a gun to your head, all you need to do is to focus your chi (life force) and the bullet will bend away from you and your loved ones before impact. Occasionally this doesn’t work, but that’s entirely your fault because because you weren’t being positive enough.
If you’re thinking that improving the education system will contribute to a better qualified work force, reduced unemployment and therefore a lower crime rate, then you’re simply not thinking sufficiently out of the box. Consider how the Matric pass rate, apparently the best indicator of how well the Education department is performing, is manipulated by fiddling with the pass mark annually. A simple application of this principle to manage crime in South Africa is to redefine what actually is a crime and what is not.
For example, imagine how great South African crime statistics would look if we defined death through gun shot or stabbing as death by acute metal allergies, instead of inappropriately calling it murder. Sure, the death by natural causes statistics will go up a touch but at least violent crime will finally be under control.
This strategy is one that is already employed by many in government but has not caught on with the general public as yet. If you pretend it doesn’t exist and ignore it, then who’s to say it really does exist? For example, if there’s an ATM bombing in Ventersdorp and there’s nobody there to witness it, did it really happen? Wonkie thinks not.
4. Vigilante Death Squads
Building on the incidents reported about the police force in Kwazulu-Natal and a recent screening of The Expendables, Wonkie thought this innovative solution would be a sure favourite for any victims that have already had a bad experience with crime themselves. Kangaroo Court justice has the added benefit of intense catharsis, which will no doubt leave South Africa a much happier, less stressful place. Wonkie has already contacted Arnold Schwarzenegger and a team of international mercenaries to secure a quote.
5. Threat of Mutual Destruction
A more proactive approach to managing crime is to take it into your own hands. Why not? After all, look how well that whole Cold War thing turned out. Of course this option is not without its disadvantages, particularly if you’re an unarmed toilet door living in a house with a paranoid, gun-toting maniac. A viable alternative if you don’t fancy carrying a semi-automatic assault rifle to bed each night yourself, is to pay off your local police protection racket – that will probably keep you safe for a while.
6. Chicken Style
Common sense dictates that if you and your family can run faster than your criminal attackers (and the bullets they’re shooting at you) then you’ll be just fine. Wonkie researchers determined that nothing is quite as fast as an aeroplane out of the country. Emigration remains is a popular choice for many.
If you read this article hoping you would get some tips on how to better manage your own crime business in South Africa, then Wonkie suggests you immediately call 08600 10 111. Please provide details about your operation while on the phone and a helicopter will come to provide you personal attention to resolve your challenges.
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