Jacob Zuma promised quite a few people quite a few things in his ascent to his current position. His decision for members of the cabinet will be the first indication as to where he intends to take South Africa during his term as president.
Since every man and his donkey have had a punt as to what Mr Zuma’s cabinet will look like, Wonkie thought it only fitting that it does the same. Below are a few suggestions as to the constitution of the Zuma Cabinet Dream Team:
Pravin Gordhan – Anti-corruption ministry (a new portfolio designed to weed out corruption in the country possibly but only outside the elected cabinet). Given Mr Gordhan’s impeccable record (and no sarcasm there) with cleaning up the SARS and getting everyone to cough up their taxes, Wonkie thinks he would be the best man for this role.
Blade Nzimande – Public enterprise and Land reform because Mr Nzimande knows how to distribute wealth fairly. But we suggest this appointment only because we really want to read the 3000 odd comments by horrifed DA supporters about how South Africa is about to become the next Zimbabwe because of it. Hehe.
Winnie Madikizela-Mandela – Healthcare because she is the Mutha of the Nation and so caring. She will be strongly supported by Barbara Hogan as her deputy, provided Hogan recants anything she and her extended family said against the ANC in favour of that pesky Dalai Lama fellow.
Julius Anger Management Malema – Safety and Security.. if you don’t feel safe and secure or at least say you do, you can rest assured Mr Malema and the ANC youth league will take good care of you. Real good care.
Manto Tshabalala-Msimang – Finance. Now Wonkie knows a few of you may be cynical about this appointment but realistically this may be the safest place to put Dr Beetroot. Growing maize, garlic and beetroot may after all provide a significant financial boost to the economy given the lacking demand for resources as global growth slows. Further, Wonkie speculates that her distance in this role from her previous healthcare role may help South Africans in general – after all we would rather be poor and healthy than rich and HIV positive.
Schabir Shaik will be strongly supporting Manto in her finance minister role because he’s proven himself to be so good at it in the past – bar the minor incident of getting caught for making a bribe on behalf of Mr Zuma. He could not be appointed to ministerial position himself because he’s allegedly terminally ill. Aren’t we all.
Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma – coffee lady. Since her visibly limited impact in foreign affairs during the ANC’s last tenure – notably on the Zimbabwe crisis, Wonkie expects at least she would have learnt which foreign coffee beans to use in the important portfolio responsible for making and distributing coffee to the cabinet.
Trevor Manuel – Planning of everything. Probably a good idea to move him out of Finance and assume the market has already factored in his departure. The small matter of the conflict of interest regarding his dear Maria Ramos heading up one of the largest financial institutions in South Africa has nothing whatsover to do with this move.
Mathews Phosa – Foreign Affairs because he is a close ally of Mr Zuma and umm.. why not? That’s how this position seems to have been decided in the past anyway.
Jeff Radebe – Telecommunications. After the total mess recently dead Ivy Matsepe-Casaburri left the state of South African telecoms in, it will be hard for Mr Radebe to do any worse. Although many South Africans are still wondering why they all need cars and why there is no decent public transport system in the country.
Naledi Pandor – Education because Pandor has proven that the current education strategy of keeping rural South Africa under-educated makes it easier to win elections. After all, ignorance is bliss and at least this way most of South Africa stays happy.
Kgalema Motlanthe – Deputy President because he has shown the greatest competence as a seat warmer so far. Hot water bottles everywhere are afraid they may lose their jobs if Mr Motlanthe doesn’t get this post.
In all seriousness, the cabinet selection will be interesting. Wonkie thinks Mr Zuma will surprise the country with his choices and positively so. Despite all odds Mr Zuma has ascended to the top job in South Africa and that is no feat to be scoffed at – he is a shrewd politician. One can only hope that the decisions he makes now are sincerely motivated by what is best for South Africa and not what is best for his pals.